🥛 Welcome to the Milk Mouth Butler Experience 🥛
Ever wished you had a distinguished, dedicated professional whose sole purpose was to hold milk in their mouth while you dunk cookies, sip in luxury, or simply enjoy the finest dairy service known to man? Well, today is your lucky day, pal.
Introducing Milk Mouth Butlers™, the world’s first (and possibly last) dedicated milk retention specialists. Carefully trained in the art of dairy discipline, these hand-selected individuals are here to hold, swish, and present milk at the perfect temperature and consistency.
🛑 LIMITED AVAILABILITY: Due to the high demand and low number of people willing to do this for a living, we have only a handful of Milk Mouth Butlers available. Once they’re gone, they’re gone.
🥛 Meet Your Milk Mouth Butlers
1️⃣ Lord Reginald "The Aristocrat" – $69.99 (SOLD OUT)
🧐 Specialty: Old-world charm, impeccable dairy service, serves milk like it’s a 1789 French delicacy.
🍷 Milk Holding Time: 2 minutes 45 seconds (longer with intense concentration).
🔹 Notable Skills: Can stand completely still for hours, only speaks in Victorian-era English, wears lace cuffs.
💬 Customer Review: "I felt like a 19th-century duke dunking my biscuits in a glass held by Reginald. He only called me ‘Your Grace’ and whispered ‘exquisite’ after every sip. Would order again."
🔥 The Ultimate Milk Butler Package – $199.99
Can’t decide? Hire ALL FOUR butlers and create a truly immersive, white-glove dairy experience. Each one will hold milk at their designated tier of professionalism, so you can compare and contrast their unique styles
✔ Processing typically takes 1-3 business days before shipping.
✔ You'll receive a tracking number as soon as your order is on the move.
✔ Shipping times vary based on your location, but most orders arrive within 7-14 business days.
✔ If there are any unexpected delays, we’ll keep you in the loop—because nobody likes to be left in the dark (unless it's for dramatic effect).
Still have questions? Reach out to us! We’re happy to help.
✔ 30-Day Return Window – You’ve got a full 30 days from the delivery date to initiate a return.
✔ Keep It in Good Shape – We can’t take back items that have been heavily worn, tampered with, or used for questionable activities (we don’t need details, just… don’t).
✔ Original Condition, Please – Tags intact, unwashed, and free of any mysterious stains or odors.
✔ Customer Covers Return Shipping – Unless we made a mistake, in which case, we’ll make it right.
Need to start a return? Reach out to us, and we’ll guide you through the process. No hoops to jump through—just a straightforward return policy that makes sense. 🚀
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